May 12th, 2013

You said the most cliche things of all the day we said goodbye. “It’s not goodbye, I’ll be seeing you again.” In the moment, it seems so sweet and sincere, but as you look back at it now, you realize it was only as I said before- a cliche thing. I haven’t seen you since and your voice has become yet another distant memory.

Sometimes I remember the way you smiled so largely as I walked through the airport terminal, seeing you for the first time in months. I was nervous and that nervousness made me hesitate at the sight of you. I can think now of how cute you looked, standing there, smile and all, but during that moment I felt nothing, but scared. 

If I were to see you yet again, I wouldn’t know what to do. Should I embrace you, as I wish I had done at the airport? Or would I simply walk away without a word, as I should have the last time we broke.

(not) Everything Is About You

Just like your parents used to say, “Not everything is about you.”

Every word that I say isn’t said for you and every time my legs shake it is not me quivering at your touch. I could say that once upon a time it was all meant for you, but if you believe that after all this time that is still the case, you are far more naive than I could have imagined.

You and I are so routine; I’ve just been going with the motion because it is easier than picking up and starting anew.

You aren’t the only man I kiss; you weren’t the first nor will you be the last. Once upon a time you may have been my all, but the fragment of my heart you still possess has become so small.

How to Fall in Love

Here’s to another long night. He’s slurring drunken words into my ear as though he were the most romantic poet to walk the earth. As he tries his best to stand straight, I feel as though my world is crashing down. He’s just a lush, I remind myself, by morning we’ll be fine. By morning I’ll kiss you goodbye before your eyes open.

I won’t sleep a wink; instead, I’ll toss and turn for the remaining hours of the night. Laying in the same spot I’ve been occupying for months- the left side, nuzzled up against you- which once felt like heaven, but now reminds me that I’ve overstayed my welcome.

Even in this moment, looking at your glossy, drunken eyes, I can tell even you can see that things have changed. I’, not the same lady you swept off her feet and we both know she isn’t coming back. The air keeps getting thicker between us and my heart, more heavy. 

I remember when you thought my quirks and flaws were something to admire, even my crooked teeth, but now all they seem to do is disgust you. Here I am, being selfish and senile, acting as though I’m not the one who was let down by all of our expectations. Your mere existence has begun to let me down, but is it even fair to blame you for such a thing? We were promised the world, but were left with a speck of dust.

You once had my heart beating a thousand times a minute, but now it’s gotten so old and grey that it won’t budge at all. I just know that if I don’t leave now, I’ll end up just as old, grey, and stuck.

It’s a scary thing, to walk away. Even if you’ve been drained of all you have, it still pains you to know that this is it. There is no tomorrow, no future, no more love for the two of us. I’ve got to face the facts and say goodbye, with hopes that someday I’ll learn to fall in love again.