You said the most cliche things of all the day we said goodbye. “It’s not goodbye, I’ll be seeing you again.” In the moment, it seems so sweet and sincere, but as you look back at it now, you realize it was only as I said before- a cliche thing. I haven’t seen you since and your voice has become yet another distant memory.
Sometimes I remember the way you smiled so largely as I walked through the airport terminal, seeing you for the first time in months. I was nervous and that nervousness made me hesitate at the sight of you. I can think now of how cute you looked, standing there, smile and all, but during that moment I felt nothing, but scared.
If I were to see you yet again, I wouldn’t know what to do. Should I embrace you, as I wish I had done at the airport? Or would I simply walk away without a word, as I should have the last time we broke.
When just the thought of you is enough to bring a smile to my face, I know I am in too deep. It’s difficult to let anyone in, but you somehow find your way. You’ve gotten comfortable where you are and I am finding it just as comfortable to have you there. I feel the way that all the movies insist that you should be feeling when falling into something called “love.” I’m feeling all of the nonsense, butterflies, and bullshit that they throw at you. I thought I dismissed those false fairy tales long ago, but here I am, falling for you.
Claims that you didn’t want to hurt me. This is for the best, you promised. Yet you still needed to kiss me one last time. Just once more, you said. But all of those walls you tried so hard to build up to protect me came crashing down. All of your word kept rushing into my head, but I could no longer tell which were true and which were fiction. I was finally believing that this was for the better, that you wouldn’t be able to bruise this heart of mine much more, but then that kiss… the one you promised would be the last; some sort of bittersweet goodbye.
But it all turned bitter, for in that moment I realized this would never stop hurting. You drew me in to let me down, all the while you said you had all of my best intentions in mind… but all of my best intentions go hand in hand with your worst.
I know it has been a few days since we last spoke and even longer since we last saw each other. I wanted to be able to tell you everything I’ve been feeling, but that was always the hardest thing for me to do. You’re on my mind often; much more than I would like to admit. I wish I knew why you are the center of my thoughts, whether I am conscious or dreaming. I wish I knew why your touch is the one I miss and why being apart from you makes me feel a longing I can’t begin to describe and a loneliness I will never be able to fulfill. I suppose I just wish I knew a lot of things.
I think we are both well aware that what we had wasn’t love, but it was close, wasn’t it? Sometimes part of me thinks if we just waited a little longer we would’ve had more amazing dates and would’ve fallen for each other harder than we ever had before. Perhaps that is what I did and though I can’t speak for you, I imagine you believing the same. Do I regret whatever we had ending? No, I can’t say I do. Do I regret not being more open about the feelings rushing through me? Yes; it is the biggest regret I could ever feel. I feel as though you’ve died without me being honest with you, though you are still alive and breathing. There is a pain seeping through my heart and I wish I could confess everything to you, but somehow, I can’t.
Whenever we speak on the phone I think that I will be able to tell you that I will always be thinking of you, but at the sound of your voice I forget all I ever thought before. All the logic in the world tells me to move on, to let you go. We are both unattainable to one another and there is nothing we can do about it anymore; what’s done is done. I wonder if that is the truth, though. No one can predict the future; no one knows if I will ever find myself on your part of the country again. I’d like to think there are plans for me, for us, for everything and the thought that there is no such thing as fate is a scary one. What if you were the only chance at true love I will ever have?
I would like to think that I won’t spend eternity alone; that I will find my counterpart. It is hard to move on and kiss someone else when you are still the one that I want. It is hard to get over you when you tell me you miss me too.
I wanted to write you this letter to clarify everything I feel for you, but I feel like I’ve been talking in circles and the only conclusion is that I miss you; I miss everything about you that it hurts. If there is such a thing as soul mates, I think you are mine, and I’m frightened that we will never get a chance to be together; a chance that is rightfully ours.
There is so much more that could be said, but out of fear of rejection I shall end it here. I will never be able to send this to you, though a part of me hopes someday you will find it and know it is for you, like everything else is.
You’re sitting there, staring at me, but I don’t know what you’re expecting me to say. Perhaps a big “Fuck you,” or something like that. I could put my facade on and pretend that I care, but that takes far too much effort and energy than I have left tonight. So, you slept with someone else, you tell me. You’ve got those sad, puppy dog eyes on and I know you’re expecting something out of me. Jealousy, anger, resentment; well, you will find none of those here. Am I disappointed? Of course I am, honey. I never wanted to think that after all of those nights when I just didn’t care to have sex with you would lead you into the bed of another woman, but who am I to judge?
You think I will play the role of some heartbroken woman, but I won’t. We are animals, just like the rest of the world, so I can’t say I didn’t expect that you’d get your fix from someone else. No, I don’t want to know who she is. No, I don’t want to know how beautiful she is. No, I don’t want to know how good it was. I suppose the only thing that matters to me is whether or not any feelings grew for her. If I am still the woman that you see yourself with, the woman that you want to spend forever with, then welcome home. Take a shower, get into bed, and kiss me goodnight.
Let us start from the end; the end as we know it. The weather hadn’t been too bad; the sun for once wasn’t being too stubborn with its sunshine, but as we walked outside of your apartment and to my car, little drops of rain started sprinkling down. It was as though the rain was waiting for my departure before it came to gloom on this city. I kissed you goodbye, not knowing when the next time we would see each other would be. I kissed you goodbye many times; each time I turned to walk to my car I had to turn back for one more. It was harder to leave you this time than the time I first left, when I thought I would never be coming back at all. Perhaps that why it felt easier then, I thought it would be the end of everything; I was going to move away and never think about you again, but I came back and spent every day in your cozy apartment. Perhaps it is harder to say goodbye this time because no part of me wants to leave again; I want to stay right here with you.
Somehow I am able to make it all the way to the car and I look back at you, standing in the drizzling rain. I think to myself that there is the man of my dreams, except he is a reality. I force a smile on my face all the while my heart feel it is emptying all of its contents out onto the street, where it will wait for my return. The car starts instantly, though I held my breath secretly hoping it wouldn’t start at all. We give each other our final wave goodbye before I make myself focus on the street ahead of me. I drive as slow as I can, refusing to believe that I won’t be coming back here tomorrow. So this is the end, isn’t it? The end as we know it. I begin to wonder what is the purpose of my life, anyway. I will be going back home to the usual routine, wasting days away working alongside my own loneliness. Then I think to myself that this is where I need to be; and though I can’t turn the car around, I will try to get through each day until I get another kiss hello.