It is you and you alone. Take a look around you and realize that the world isn’t against you. It isn’t unfair, it isn’t cruel, it isn’t something to take for granted. Life is what you make of it, so if you think the world is out to get you, things will make it seem that way. You can sit and whine about what in your life seems faulty, but if you are displeased, how can you sit around complaining and expect that to change a thing? Happiness is in your hands, but you choose what to do with it. Do you keep it close from day to day, or do you throw away at first chance?

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I couldn’t remember.

I couldn’t remember our first kiss, nor the last. No matter how much I concentrated, I couldn’t remember the first time when I realized how hard I fell for you. I can barely remember the way I was once drawn to you; you know, the way you feel when you realize that the reason every other relationship failed was for this one, for us and our bodies clinging together. Instead of remembering all the good times, all I am left is with the bad. The dull, the boring, the torturous, the humiliating times.

I have begun to wonder whether there really were any good times. Was I just drunk all the time? Did you slip some drugs into my drink when I turned away? I vaguely remember thinking that you were a sweet guy, a genuine man, but now I can see how foolish I had been to think such a thing even existed. I wonder if I ever even knew you, because three years later all I am left with is a bitter taste in my mouth and a few cracks in the piece of flesh that I call my heart.

Sometimes…

It just hits me that I am alive. Sometimes it is after an amazing day spent with loved ones, sometimes it is after the sad news of another’s passing, sometimes it is just being reminded of another person’s battle.

It’s so strange to sit and think about the fact that I had cancer. That next month, it will have been seven years since I began to fight my own battle against cancer. I can still smell the hospital air as I sit in my hospital bed, waking up before the sun has even risen so that I can be drained of blood. I can thoroughly remember how much I dreaded having to be hooked up to an IV machine constantly, because I could never get quite comfortable when trying to sleep. It felt like the end of the world to have to unplug the machine and roll it over to the restroom during the million potty breaks I inevitably had to take during the night. I can remember watching Gone with the Wind for the first time, stuck in the hospital room with my mother. I can remember how stupid I had been to not take the big pills which would prevent me from getting pneumonia (thank God it didn’t bite me in the ass) and how I thought that it would never end. Most of all, though, I remember one afternoon, sitting up in the hospital bed watching whatever had been on television when I heard a knock. In came one of my doctor’s with the amazing news that I was facing just one more chemotherapy round. It was just day one of five, but knowing that I was so close to the finish line gave me enough hope and joy to make it through those last days of chemotherapy, inconvenient IV machines, the sight of my sexy bald head, and throwing up my insides. It gave me enough hope to make it through all of life’s battles seven years later, with many more to come.

Shit.

Fuck.

Shit.

Fuck.

We always have a tendency to really fuck things up, don’t we? One day we are perfectly happy, but the next night most miserable. How can something which seems like a good thing turn around and be what is destroying you in the end? I want to leave you, I do, but mostly I just want to kiss you. Put your seat belt on, my dear, because we are about to get going. Only time will tell if we hit a wall or just the open road. Don’t tell me how fast we are going, all that matters is I’ve got you in the passenger seat.

Are you ready to fuck this up? Let’s go.

You never had a problem finding your way in to haunt my dreams. It was as though reality kept playing over and over, yet I could do nothing to alter the ending. It was always me, alone in your rainy city and hoping to get to you, only to face rejection. I used to think that we could’ve had it all, yet it took so long for me to realize that we weren’t meant to. We weren’t meant to be head over heels in love and perhaps the reality is that we were not meant to have much of anything. You found your way into my dreams again and though it left me with the same feeling, as though my heart had sunk into my stomach, I realized that a dream is just a dream sometimes and the truth of the matter is that you never really had control of my heart. It has not sunk to my stomach, it floats above the clouds.

I couldn’t bear the thought of trusting anyone. I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone.
I couldn’t imagine falling head over heals at the first kiss. I couldn’t wait until I kissed you again.
I never thought everything could feel just right. I couldn’t believe such a thing could last.
I fell for all the men who would only be in it to tear me apart. I felt more nervous with someone who cared.
I couldn’t bear the thought of trusting anyone. I couldn’t believe you changed my mind.

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