You still find a way to haunt my dreams. In them, I’m in your city. My heart hands low as I wander, wonderinf ig I will get the chance to see you again. Just once more. I look around every corner, hoping to see your face. That face I used to kiss, the one that haunts me so. How realistic those dreams can feel. Even in my slumber, I know that I could fly across the country with high hopes that I’ll find you, only to have you wanting anything but.

I’ll wonder if you’re still living in the same flat; the one in which you held my face and told me I was beautiful. It is your kindness which is ever so haunting. It is as though I wish you were never so kind at all, for then I wouldn’t have anything to miss.

I pray- beg, even- to the Lord above that you will cease to haunt me; in my dreams or otherwise. But the torture lives on. I find myself wondering, “What if, what if…” I will come so close to letting go, maybe even moving forward, only to close my eyes and dream of you again.

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I sat on the ground, staring as the clouds as they moved endlessly across the sky. I wondered if someone on the other side of the world sees the same sky I do. I wonder if the stars ever get tired of shining so brightly, those tiny explosions in the sky. The air is getting thicker and though I could spend all day staring at the universe above, I know I have to go. It is dangerous to stay in one spot for too long and I know that you are trying to find me. When you’re bad at saying goodbye, sometimes you just have to leave without a word. You try to not leave a trace, but when someone loves you so desperately, they’re convinced nothing can get in between the two of you. How do you break someone’s heart in such a situation, though? I’ve seen many people do it so effortlessly before- hell, even to me- but I can’t seem to bring myself to spill my guts out knowing they will be like acid upon another’s heart. So I did what I always do, I attempt to vanish in thin air. It doesn’t work this time and I can hear your footsteps running across the earth trying to find me. I may be lost, but I don’t want to be found.

Your skin, so cold upon my own. I long to touch you, to keep you warm. I can see you out of the corner of my eye, shivering, begging for a little warmth. Can’t you see how badly I wish I could wrap you up in my arms, dear? It’s killing me to watch you hurt, but how would we know how good things can be if we don’t first let them get so bad?

The dark grey clouds are hovering closer and I can see you shutting your eyes, imagining yourself in a better, warmer place.

Are you laying on the beach, listening to the waves crash?
Or are you in my bed, our naked bodies keeping us warm, as though we are on fire?

It’s so cold out here now, shall we go inside to crash and burn?

I can remember the first time I ever saw you, as though it had happened yesterday. The funny thing is, I can’t remember the last time I saw you. I don’t remember if I kissed you goodbye, let alone hugged you. I wonder if I said goodbyes, knowing I had no intention of seeing you again or whether I thought it was just another night apart. What I do know is that I left your home and drove away and from what I can remember, I didn’t look back.

I can remember how strongly I felt for you; how nervous you made me and how just your smile alone could make me blush. What I can’t remember is the moment when everything changed. There had to have been one moment in which I looked at you and no longer saw in you what I had before. Sometimes I wonder if you could see the change in my or whether you continued to be naive until the end.

Tonight may be a night spent alone, but it doesn’t feel so bad once I realize that I was always lonelier when I was with you.

It has become clear. So incredibly clear and obvious that I am embarrassed to be standing here in front of you, legs quivering, knees shaking, about to say the words which you knew before I even realized them myself. Your eyes spell out the words I know you are about to say before you even blink. I know I should be the first one to open my mouth and let this word vomit fall at your feet, but aside from the shaking of my limbs, I feel frozen.

I am a big block of ice and you are the blistering sun, threatening to move closer and closer until there is nothing left of me. I wonder if you realize what you do to me, but by the sly smile creeping onto your face, I have no doubts about it. You’ve deceived me thus far, making me believe that all would work out easily. As smooth as the quick ride down the tallest slide. You know my fears and how hard such a confession could be for me; how excruciating these three words seem to be. You’ve been patient and though your eyes hold me down against the floor, so I know I must do the inevitable. I must say what I will someday regret, a long time from now, when I wonder what ever happened to you.

Here we go…

We don’t need to say goodbye; we could just lay here intertwined. Your legs are my legs and my heart is your heart. Looking into your eyes, I can only see myself. The curves of your body align so perfectly against mine. Let me kiss ever inch of your body as though it is what is keeping you alive.

Your sour, it seeps into mine. To imagine the rest of my days without you is the greatest torture of all. Tomorrow is not promised, so all I hope for is that when I lay down my head to rest at night, you will be close by.

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