I may never feel this way again. The cold air hits me hard and my lips are shivering, though the rest of me is frozen. I see you to my left, quiet, but your presence is strong. You are smoking your cigarette, trying your best to keep the smoke from hitting me; you never realized that the disgusting smell could make my heart melt, reminding me of you. Am I wrong to love parts of you that I would hate in any other being? I just see you as more than any other being. As I watch you from the corner of my eye, huffing and puffing your toxic air, I long for your presence- ache for it, even. As you put your finished cigarette out on the cold, hard ground, I know it is time to face what we’ve been avoiding all night. Your tender, icicle hands find their way to my face and I know I’ll never want to let go. As your lips part to speak everything you’ve been holding back, too afraid to say, I know that I may never feel this way again.
You’re all skin and bones and my mind is telling me to claw it all away. I want to make my mark on your pretty, thin skin; I want to bite at your flesh and make you cry out for me to stop (but you don’t really want me to stop, do you?).
Your smile is a tease and you want me crawling to you on my knees. You know I’ll do whatever you ask of me, but I’d rather have it my way. So do us both a favor and don’t tell me what you like; just use your body and demand me.
Still, my thoughts drift to you. I wish it weren’t so, I beg to forget you, but every time I finally feel I’ve let go, thoughts of you return. It’s as though I am incapable of accepting our distance; as though I cannot grasp the fact that we have given up. Surrendered.
To say I can’t imagine a world living without you would seem to most to be childish and immature, but there could never be enough words to describe what it feels to have you gone. It’s like a world lacking oxygen; I’m suffocating, gasping for air, but coming up empty.
There is a darkness growing where you once lit up my days. Everything seems to be falling short. The depth you once brought to my life has left a shallow feeling in my bones. You were the sun in my universe and now I am left in limbo.
I sat on the ground, staring as the clouds as they moved endlessly across the sky. I wondered if someone on the other side of the world sees the same sky I do. I wonder if the stars ever get tired of shining so brightly, those tiny explosions in the sky. The air is getting thicker and though I could spend all day staring at the universe above, I know I have to go. It is dangerous to stay in one spot for too long and I know that you are trying to find me. When you’re bad at saying goodbye, sometimes you just have to leave without a word. You try to not leave a trace, but when someone loves you so desperately, they’re convinced nothing can get in between the two of you. How do you break someone’s heart in such a situation, though? I’ve seen many people do it so effortlessly before- hell, even to me- but I can’t seem to bring myself to spill my guts out knowing they will be like acid upon another’s heart. So I did what I always do, I attempt to vanish in thin air. It doesn’t work this time and I can hear your footsteps running across the earth trying to find me. I may be lost, but I don’t want to be found.
Your skin, so cold upon my own. I long to touch you, to keep you warm. I can see you out of the corner of my eye, shivering, begging for a little warmth. Can’t you see how badly I wish I could wrap you up in my arms, dear? It’s killing me to watch you hurt, but how would we know how good things can be if we don’t first let them get so bad?
The dark grey clouds are hovering closer and I can see you shutting your eyes, imagining yourself in a better, warmer place.
Are you laying on the beach, listening to the waves crash?
Or are you in my bed, our naked bodies keeping us warm, as though we are on fire?
It’s so cold out here now, shall we go inside to crash and burn?
I can remember the first time I ever saw you, as though it had happened yesterday. The funny thing is, I can’t remember the last time I saw you. I don’t remember if I kissed you goodbye, let alone hugged you. I wonder if I said goodbyes, knowing I had no intention of seeing you again or whether I thought it was just another night apart. What I do know is that I left your home and drove away and from what I can remember, I didn’t look back.
I can remember how strongly I felt for you; how nervous you made me and how just your smile alone could make me blush. What I can’t remember is the moment when everything changed. There had to have been one moment in which I looked at you and no longer saw in you what I had before. Sometimes I wonder if you could see the change in my or whether you continued to be naive until the end.
Tonight may be a night spent alone, but it doesn’t feel so bad once I realize that I was always lonelier when I was with you.