Through distance, through heartbreaks, through it all, he is the only man I almost loved. I didn’t want someone tall, dark, and handsome; I need him pale, average, yet gorgeous. He is perfect in his own way, just the way he is; just the way he has always been. I am unsure how I’ve convinced myself that he is my ideal man, the man I could spend forever with, all the while he lacks what I need most: consistency.

I’ve been told time and time again that there is n one who can promise to be consistent to me, except myself (if even that). So what is a girl to do? I wish I had a goddamn clue. I had hoped that the distance and time spent apart would help these feelings I have for him cal, but it only seemed to make it worse; more intense. I am only able to make it through each day because I know that someday I’ll be with him again. There are so manny barriers between us, but somehow, some way, I know I’ll find myself in his arms. He is my unfortunate addiction and I am dying for my fix.

Some days I just need to know he is alive. Other day I need to know he is longing for me. To say we are bad for one another would be an understatement. We are breaking each other down, becoming vulnerable to the power of our own feelings. Though he, himself, doesn’t doesn’t want to settle down, his blood boils when I am with someone else; my blood boils wondering why he’s not with me.

I am trying not to crawl out of my skin, but I’d do anything to be alongside his. What is a girl to do? No amount of rehab would help me at all. I’m as stubborn ad stubborn gets and all I want is to get my fix, but when I desire more than just a few nights alone, I can never feel fulfilled, can I?