My heart is aching, lacking something I took for granted. Our life together was so simple and that was what scared me off the most. Our nights together were so full of passion and lust that by the time morning came around, I was always at a loss for words. Instead of enjoying our moments together, I kept pushing myself to the edge, inch by inch. I felt so inadequate while with you; I feel so inadequate without you.

Our time together seemed to pass with a blink of an eye, but those final days saying goodbye to you, oh, those moments are embedded in my brain. I tried to focus myself on packing all of my boxes up, but you were always a constant distraction. If you weren’t asking me to stay, you were questioning why I wanted to leave in the first place. I imagined you feeling our whole relationship was a joke, so I felt you were just continuing to toy with me.

By the time my last box was packed up and ready to go, I finally felt the first pang of regret. To realize it was going to be our last night together tugged at each of my heart strings. The last kiss was so bittersweet and I almost didn’t want to get inside of the cab, but I turned away from you and stepped inside anyway. I tried to resist looking back at you, just as they do in cliche movie goodbyes, but at the last second… I had to.

The look of sadness in your eyes was one I never witnessed before, it burned a hole of loneliness- emptiness- into my own heart. I didn’t just move out of your apartment, I moved out of the city and found myself in a completely different state. Part of me has always wanted to go back to you- to our home, but I knew it was too late; I had already done my damage.

I haven’t heard from him in almost two years now. I ask how he is doing only through our leftover mutual friends and no matter how badly I want to hear you are doing great, it is never the case. I was never your whole life, but I failed to realize that you still wanted me to be a major part of it. I thought leaving you was a selfless act, that I was doing what you were afraid to do, but now I realize how selfish I was.

I left due to my own insecurities and fears of actually meaning something to someone. If only I had known that leaving you was the exact opposite of what I needed. Sometimes I wonder if you ever ask about me. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever pick up the phone to call you, if even just for a few minutes.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever open that once-so-familiar front door and find myself at home with you.

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