A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.
-Carly Simon

Ever since I was younger I have had various scars all over. I was one of those gross ones, who couldn’t help but to pick at scabs over and over again until a permanent mark was left. Why did I do this? Why do I still do it? I’m not sure. I guess I just like picking at things, I like the pain that it brings. I’m not sure why scars are so attractive to me, but I love them, just as I love bruises. I know I am not the only one out there either!

The biggest scar on my body holds the most meaning and the strongest memory. I remember wearing my hospital gown and running my fingers down the staples on my stomach; how cold it was against my skin. I was in so much pain, pain that the morphine couldn’t even hide, but running my fingers along those staples made me feel a little bit better.

I remember how scared I was to have those staples removed. I was so fearful that it was going to hurt. Funny how I could endure so much pain after my surgery that I would be afraid of a staple being removed (which didn’t hurt at all in the end). I was given Mederma to try to fade the scar. I tried to get into the routine of applying it often, but I eventually fell out of it. Looking at my scar today, it has faded on its own. I have a feeling it will be there forever, which I love.

Although I still love running my fingers down my stomach and feeling the little indent of my stomach, it sometimes does bring insecurities to me. I wonder if someone will ever see it and think it is gross, awkward, or just plain weird. It is a situation where you put too much thought into it and make it to be worse than it is. For the few people who have seen it to this day, they tell me it doesn’t look bad at all… so I am hoping they aren’t just lying to me to make me feel better.

I can’t believe that I am about to show mysterious people on the internet who happen to read my blog what my stomach looks like, when even my closest friends have yet to see it. Don’t laugh or puke too much. 🙂

It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.
-Garrison Keillor

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