Something that I never took the time to talk to many people about when dealing with it was my depression. For a long time, I was in denial about it which was why I didn’t try to get any help… which was about the worst case anyone going through depression can do.

“But the power of depression keeps her from remembering that its cause is chemical.”

Reading that sentence in Shopgirl last night made me realize why I was in denial about it for so long; it was because I felt like it was my fault, as if I had some sort of control over it. Now that I can step back and think logically about it, I know that is not the case at all. I am not sure if I can really describe how uncontrollable it was to make someone who has never dealt with depression to understand it.
There were days that I didn’t want to do a thing. I would do what I needed to do; go to school, manage to eat, shower, the basics, then crawl back into bed and waste any spare time I had with feeling pity for myself and my life, wondering why it was going nowhere,  and why I wasn’t wanted. I’m not saying I don’t spend time wasting away in bed with television, a movie, or a good book because I do, since I love those things, but I don’t surround myself with depressing genres anymore. The worst thought that depression would ever bring out of me was, “I survived cancer, but what for?” To feel like you have no purpose in life is just an empty feeling. I know when I am not depressed how far I have come in life and where I want to go, but those days I could only focus on the negative, on what I had in front of me proving what I did or didn’t have in life.
I have been on medication for a few months, and although I have never liked the thought of having to take medication daily, I realize what it does for me. It helps balance things out with my brain. I do have sad days, surely, but only when there is real meaning behind it; nothing illogical or overdramatic. A part of the process of getting out of this depression was talking to a counselor. She helped me realize that the medication helps me tell the difference about what is worth worrying about, and what isn’t. I’ve only met with her once so far, but she has already helped me realize my bad habits which enabled my depression.
It makes me so happy to know that I am not that grumpy teenage girl anymore, that I am taking the right steps to making sure I live a healthy life. No one wants to spend days down and out, and I definitely won’t be doing that if I can help it.

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

– Anthony D’Angelo 

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