Image

You said the most cliche things of all the day we said goodbye. “It’s not goodbye, I’ll be seeing you again.” In the moment, it seems so sweet and sincere, but as you look back at it now, you realize it was only as I said before- a cliche thing. I haven’t seen you since and your voice has become yet another distant memory.

Sometimes I remember the way you smiled so largely as I walked through the airport terminal, seeing you for the first time in months. I was nervous and that nervousness made me hesitate at the sight of you. I can think now of how cute you looked, standing there, smile and all, but during that moment I felt nothing, but scared. 

If I were to see you yet again, I wouldn’t know what to do. Should I embrace you, as I wish I had done at the airport? Or would I simply walk away without a word, as I should have the last time we broke.

Advertisements

I may never feel this way again. The cold air hits me hard and my lips are shivering, though the rest of me is frozen. I see you to my left, quiet, but your presence is strong. You are smoking your cigarette, trying your best to keep the smoke from hitting me; you never realized that the disgusting smell could make my heart melt, reminding me of you. Am I wrong to love parts of you that I would hate in any other being? I just see you as more than any other being. As I watch you from the corner of my eye, huffing and puffing your toxic air, I long for your presence- ache for it, even. As you put your finished cigarette out on the cold, hard ground, I know it is time to face what we’ve been avoiding all night. Your tender, icicle hands find their way to my face and I know I’ll never want to let go. As your lips part to speak everything you’ve been holding back, too afraid to say, I know that I may never feel this way again.

Your kisses were rough, but your skin baby soft. The lights were off, but a film was playing on the television, casting a glow onto your skinny, little body. When the night began, I was nervous, unsure of what I wanted, but as it progressed, the nervousness went was replaced with eagerness. 

Your body, though unfamiliar, felt as though it were made to fit perfectly with my own. The air surrounding us in my tiny room in my tiny apartment was cold, but I had your heat to keep me warm. With our limbs intertwined, I felt like we were the only creatures left to wander the Earth.

To leave this bed will be such torture, but I know soon the sun will rise and our bodies will go back to being our own. How badly I wish we could stay in this sea we call my bed, but the world demands more of us. So, it’s time to get up for the day, but I know we will be falling into this sanctuary of a bed again soon.

Just like your parents used to say, “Not everything is about you.”

Every word that I say isn’t said for you and every time my legs shake it is not me quivering at your touch. I could say that once upon a time it was all meant for you, but if you believe that after all this time that is still the case, you are far more naive than I could have imagined.

You and I are so routine; I’ve just been going with the motion because it is easier than picking up and starting anew.

You aren’t the only man I kiss; you weren’t the first nor will you be the last. Once upon a time you may have been my all, but the fragment of my heart you still possess has become so small.

20120519-163239.jpg

You’re all skin and bones and my mind is telling me to claw it all away. I want to make my mark on your pretty, thin skin; I want to bite at your flesh and make you cry out for me to stop (but you don’t really want me to stop, do you?).

Your smile is a tease and you want me crawling to you on my knees. You know I’ll do whatever you ask of me, but I’d rather have it my way. So do us both a favor and don’t tell me what you like; just use your body and demand me.

20120516-224548.jpg

Still, my thoughts drift to you. I wish it weren’t so, I beg to forget you, but every time I finally feel I’ve let go, thoughts of you return. It’s as though I am incapable of accepting our distance; as though I cannot grasp the fact that we have given up. Surrendered.

To say I can’t imagine a world living without you would seem to most to be childish and immature, but there could never be enough words to describe what it feels to have you gone. It’s like a world lacking oxygen; I’m suffocating, gasping for air, but coming up empty.

There is a darkness growing where you once lit up my days. Everything seems to be falling short. The depth you once brought to my life has left a shallow feeling in my bones. You were the sun in my universe and now I am left in limbo.

Image

Here’s to another long night. He’s slurring drunken words into my ear as though he were the most romantic poet to walk the earth. As he tries his best to stand straight, I feel as though my world is crashing down. He’s just a lush, I remind myself, by morning we’ll be fine. By morning I’ll kiss you goodbye before your eyes open.

I won’t sleep a wink; instead, I’ll toss and turn for the remaining hours of the night. Laying in the same spot I’ve been occupying for months- the left side, nuzzled up against you- which once felt like heaven, but now reminds me that I’ve overstayed my welcome.

Even in this moment, looking at your glossy, drunken eyes, I can tell even you can see that things have changed. I’, not the same lady you swept off her feet and we both know she isn’t coming back. The air keeps getting thicker between us and my heart, more heavy. 

I remember when you thought my quirks and flaws were something to admire, even my crooked teeth, but now all they seem to do is disgust you. Here I am, being selfish and senile, acting as though I’m not the one who was let down by all of our expectations. Your mere existence has begun to let me down, but is it even fair to blame you for such a thing? We were promised the world, but were left with a speck of dust.

You once had my heart beating a thousand times a minute, but now it’s gotten so old and grey that it won’t budge at all. I just know that if I don’t leave now, I’ll end up just as old, grey, and stuck.

It’s a scary thing, to walk away. Even if you’ve been drained of all you have, it still pains you to know that this is it. There is no tomorrow, no future, no more love for the two of us. I’ve got to face the facts and say goodbye, with hopes that someday I’ll learn to fall in love again.

%d bloggers like this: